Coping with health conditions in a long term partner
When it comes to couples dealing with health conditions and declining health of their partner and loved one, the thing I hear most often is,” I never thought it would happen to us.” My response is, “No one ever does.”
We always think it’s going to be someone else’s problem. We expect that we will eventually just slowly fade into the sunset with our loved ones by our side. The reality is that as the Baby Boom generation ages, more and more couples are going to be affected by health conditions that impact their daily lives, relationship satisfaction, future independence and inevitable end. By 2030 the Baby Boomer will make up roughly 20% of the U.S. population. That is a lot of people aging in the population all at once.
They say that ignorance is bliss, but in the case of a loved one’s health conditions, it can be devastating. A health crisis can happen at any time when you least expect it, and can completely blindside you and your partner, leaving you at a loss as to how to handle things and how to proceed. 
All is not doom and gloom however, so take heart. I have some advice and helpful suggestions for you and your partner to help not only mitigate the risk of a healthcare crisis, but for you to work on now before it happens. There are also just some important things you should be thinking about and planning for in the event that a health conditions does begin to complicate your life and relationship.
Remember, this is the true test of your relationship’s strength, and of your commitment to one another. The whole, “In sickness and in health” concept begins to look a little different when you consider having to cope with the health decline of your spouse or partner.
Fitness and Maintenance
One of the best things you can do for your health and for your partner is to eat right and move your body. Stay fit and be kind to your body. This is even more important as we age. It’s true that the more you do, the more you can do. Cut back on sugar and high fat foods. You don’t have to do anything too drastic, but there are always small improvements you can make such as taking up an activity like pickleball, or biking. Any kind of exercise that gets your heart rate up for 15 or 20 minutes will improve your health. Have more sex! Take care of your body and stay as healthy as you can.
Know your family history
It’s a good idea to know your family’s medical history as that can have a real impact on your own health, and give you red flags to watch for. Interview your parents before they are too elderly to remember, if possible, and find out all you can about the diseases in your family tree. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you will suffer the same fate, but it definitely will steer you towards taking the tests and screenings necessary to rule out those diseases in your own life. Pass this information down to your children as well.
Have regular medical monitoring
So many of us don’t want to go to the doctor until we have no other choice. So we ignore the signs and symptoms until we no longer can. The whole “mind over matter” attitude, while admirable, is a bad choice. Without regular screenings and well visits to your medical provider you might miss something that could easily be detected and treated early. Please go once, if not twice a year for regular medical monitoring and health screening.
Catch the signs early, if you see something say something
There are signs and symptoms of many illnesses and diseases to watch for. In addition to regular screenings, pay attention to your body. Changes in things like freckles and moles, for instance, can signal malignant melanoma which is a deadly disease, but when it’s caught early, the survival rate is very high. You know yourself better than anyone, and if something feels “off” get it checked out. Tell your doctor and look into it. It could save your life. Talk with your partner and encourage them to do the same.
Address the legal questions
You and your partner or spouse will want to do this before one of you becomes ill or disabled. Depending on where you live, there are different requirements for legal coverage. Discuss your wishes for end of life care, advanced healthcare directive, last will and testament, living trusts and power of attorney. It’s crucial to have this on file so that your wishes will be carried out in the event that something catastrophic occurs. This is a daunting and unpleasant task, but your children and beneficiaries will thank you for getting it all done before they have to get involved.
Talk about the hard stuff and plan for the worst
Talk about your role as spouse and caregiver, or will you be in that role? Be aware that becoming your spouse’s caregiver will drastically change the dynamic of your relationship. However, it can be the most selfless and loving thing that you can do for your loved one. You and your spouse need to talk about this, no matter how hard it seems. You both need to agree that you are willing to step into that role, or you are going to arrange for a separate caregiver.
Be aware that there is a high burnout rate amongst caregivers and while you may be eager to do it at first, the time may come when it becomes too much to manage. Prepare for that possibility and have a plan B. If the medical crisis is going to be chronic or terminal, you should absolutely have a back up plan as well as steps in place for your loved one to transition into a skilled nursing facility or long-term care if needed.
Share your decisions
Make sure that children, grandchildren and friends know your final wishes. If you have made end of life decisions, let your family know what they are and make sure they are documented in writing so that they will be honored when you are unable to speak about them. All of your care preferences and end of life decisions should be outlined in your advanced healthcare directive. Once that is on file, no one can take heroic measures to change the outcome of your life without your permission. Whatever it is that you decide is what will be done.
We always hope and pray that our spouse or partner will not suffer anything painful or debilitating. If it does happen, we have to search our own heart to decide how much we can do to cope with this issue. Of course we will always try to lend loving support, and do what we can, but there’s no one correct way to cope. I recommend that you enlist the support of family and friends, a spiritual advisor, or therapist to help you to reckon with the stress of caring for a loved one. Avoid burnout by getting someone to provide respite care and do as much self care as you can to help you stay strong and healthy in the midst of the stress of caring for your spouse.
