National Spouse Day is January 26th. Have you ever been just hanging around the house with your spouse; maybe you’re both just doing your own thing, and you look over and see your partner there, and your heart just swells with love and you think about how lucky you are to have that person in your life? What do you do then? Do you just walk on by and go on about your business, or do you take the time and energy to reach out to your partner and tell them how important they are to you? If you don’t, you should. Taking anything about your partner’s feelings for granted is bad, and showing them appreciation and letting them know how important they are to you is good. Simplistic? Perhaps, but I’m sticking with it.
So I thought I’d talk a little about what it means to take things for granted in long-term relationships, and how falling into the habit of doing so can literally ruin your relationship. Whereas making the point, taking the time and energy to build up your partner, show them appreciation for all they do for you and tell them you love and value their presence in your life will go a very long way towards having a healthy and happy relationship with your spouse. If you do this daily for a minimum of 90 days you won’t recognize your relationship.
I’ve heard many times from friends who tell me, “I don’t need to get mushy and romantic. My partner knows how I feel about them. Plus, we’ve been together so long, it’s not like I have to win her/him over. I already did that.” Does this sound familiar? If it does, I’d like to respectfully disagree with the above statement and get this out of your head.
The truth is, it’s easy to take each other for granted. Sameness, routine and ingrained behaviors over time can wear us into a comfortable rut. It’s not a bad place to be, but it’s easy to get stuck in habits that keep you and your partner in the same sort of space together, repeating old patterns. The division of labor and time between the two of you may get set early on in the relationship, and never change. You simply take for granted that it will always be the way it is now. It’s easy to become a stereotype. That’s not what we want, and not what we’re meant for. We want a relationship that is exciting, romantic and passionate. You need to create this.
As humans, we crave a growing and dynamic relationship. One that keeps us excited and looking forward to having a life together into the future, having a family, sharing interests, and above all, being happy, in love, and enjoying our lives together. After all, why partner up with someone, if you’re not going to feel absolutely passionate, happy and alive together?
So, after years together,how do you find that passion and life that you once had? Stop taking everything for granted. Realize just how important your spouse is to your very existence. Think about how bereft(deprived) and lonely you would be without this person in your life. You chose them, and they chose you, and it doesn’t matter if years go by, you must still choose each other. Remind your partner on spouse day that they are the best thing that every happened to you. Choose your partner to be your spouse every day all over again every day.
Stop taking for granted that your spouse is always going to be there, and begin to show appreciation for them and what they bring to your life.It will transform your relationship. The consequences if you don’t stop taking each other for granted can be dire, and terribly sad, even more so because it can be avoided by making some fundamental shift in the way you treat one another, and the things you notice.
It can take up to 8 months to build a new habit, but if you start now, by next Spouse’s Day, you will be in a totally different mindset regarding your partner and your marriage. Here’s a step by step guide to changing your ways and getting out of the rut of taking each other for granted.
Step 1: Look at each other –
When was the last time you and your partner really looked at each other? Take a pause, look your partner in the eye. Really see them for a change, and don’t take for granted you know who they are and how they feel today. Notice how sweet his smile is, and how her eyes have those little laugh lines. How wonderful it is to be seen! Telling your partner, “I see you.” shows that you’re not taking their presence for granted. Do this and you will have a lifetime of love!
Step 2: Pay attention to all those things that your partner does for you on a daily basis –
Does she handle the laundry and the cooking? Does he vacuum or wipe down the stovetop? No matter what the task, pay attention and show appreciation. A simple “Thank you for ____” can go a long way. Begin at least one sentence each day with. “I really appreciate that you do X and Y.” Not just a blanket, thank you for all you do, but be specific about something that you notice, and that shows your spouse that you are paying attention.
Step 3: Set aside time each day to connect – This can be over a cup of coffee in the morning or a cocktail in the evening or even watching the TV news together and discussing the events of the day. Even you introverts can spend a little bit of time interacting with your partner after you get home and take a few minutes to regroup for a bit. Put your phones and devices down, grab a beverage and just talk. When you ask your partner, “How was your day?” attend to the answer. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted. Don’t take for granted this time you have together.
Step 4: Don’t assume you know –
We all have an inner life, our own individual hopes and dreams. You had them as a couple when you first set out on this adventure together. Part of showing appreciation for your partner in your life is to help them realize and nurture their dreams. Don’t assume you know what it is your partner wants. You need to find out and then ask them how you can help them on their way to realizing their hopes and dreams. Be ready for the possibility that you don’t know anything about what they’ve been dreaming of, if you’ve been assuming and taking for granted that you already know.
Step 5: Say I love you –
It’s never too late for romance, for affection and for courtship, no matter how long you’ve been with your spouse. We take for granted that we’ve already won their affection, so we don’t need to try anymore, but that is wrong. As time passes we change and in every season of our lives, we evolve into a newer, hopefully truer version of ourselves. You may think you know the old partner, the one from ten years ago, but she’s gone through changes, and aged, and gotten more life experience. He’s a parent now, and has a completely different outlook on life than he did before he became a father. Make time for intimacy even if you have to schedule it. Be willing to be open to falling in love with the latest version of your spouse, who they are right now. This may mean you will get romantic, and court them in a new and different way. This is so great because it shows both of you that you are invested in each other and your future together in a happy relationship. When your heart swells with love looking at your spouse, reach out to them. Show and tell them how much you love and value them. When someone knows they are loved and important, they really do grow into the best version of themselves and don’t’ you both want to have and to be the best version of yourselves
