Holiday Stress and Interactions with Difficult Family Members
Holiday stress is very common over the holidays. Family traditions are important especially to the older generations. Carrying on these traditions is a way to honor your parents and elders. For many, this means bringing the family together from far and wide, to share holiday meals, gift giving and religious observances.Gathering together often means you will see people you wouldn’t normally choose to be around, those distant cousins, aunts and uncles that you rarely see, and only spend holidays with. There may be family drama, or bad feelings between family members, grudges or judgment about the way someone is living their life, or other issues that the family doesn’t approve of. You’re all asked to set those issues aside for your holiday celebrations.
As an adult, you certainly have a choice about whether to attend, or decline the invitation, and while it might be tempting to send your regrets, there are reasons that you should go even if you’d rather not. Among them are honoring your parents and elders, healing past hurts, and celebrating long-standing family traditions. If you think about it, you can sit through one meal, one church service, or one visit. It might be uncomfortable or annoying, but you can probably manage to do it without too much difficulty.
If your parents or elderly relatives are hosting, it would be a huge disappointment for them not to see you and your family if you have one. In our busy world, we don’t always have or make the time to spend with our parents. Holidays are often the one time of the year when they get to see you and your children and make a big deal about the family being together. Surely you can grin and bear it to honor your elders’ wishes. There are a finite number of holidays left to spend together, and we don’t get to know how many there will be. So, consider making family a priority. Sometimes the difficult is that holiday stress is regarding parent child difficulties. Make every effort to keep the past in the past treat your parents with the respect they deserve and try to maintain your adulthood in the presence of your parents.
The holidays are a time to reconcile, people are often more kindly disposed during the holidays and it might well be time to patch things up between family members, or to talk through what is causing strife or drama in the family. Why wait another day to heal and repair past hurts? Forgiveness and letting go of grudges is a wonderful way to honor the holiday and improve your emotional health.
If it’s your partner’s family, you’ll need to attend if your partner wants you to. Whether or not their family approves of or likes you, or if it’s your first holiday gathering together, you should go to support your partner. Ask them what you can expect at the gathering. Will there be a drunk uncle or a snarky cousin? Be as prepared as you can be, then be yourself. Ask questions, get to know them, after all, they are now a part of your extended family. If your partner goes you need to be there if they chose not to go support that decision as well.
If there’s a difficult interaction with your partner and a relative, resist the temptation to jump in and give your two cents. This can actually escalate things and make it a problem. Let your partner deal with their own relatives. Every family has their dynamic, and you’re a guest, an observer. Watch and learn. I’m not saying that you should let someone abuse your partner, only that you shouldn’t butt in unless your partner wants you to. This can be a very difficult situation I recommend discuss this before you go.
Now we get to the truly toxic and complicated relationships. There are some people, and they can be your parents or elders, that are just truly awful to be around. If you have a family member that comes to mind when you read this, then here are some tips for surviving the holidays and interactions with them.
If it’s someone that you have a complicated history with, you are not obligated to spend time with them. Even at a family gathering, you can choose minimal interaction, sit far away. Don’t engage with them. Be polite, and go about your visit.
Don’t force them on your children. If this is a family member who makes you feel awful, or is a negative and unpleasant person, you need to protect your children from dealing with that. Teach your children manners, how to greet an adult, shake hands, or simply say hello, then encourage them to go ahead and walk away to greet someone else. Minimize contact between your children and that person. You can deal with them, but the kids shouldn’t have to. Your children should not be rude to them either and I recommend discussing this with your children ahead of time the importance of polite behavior even if someone is not doing that with them. Advise them to discuss the situation with you if it presents itself there. You must teach children the art of being self protective but not disrespectful.
Another strategy to deal with the holiday stress of difficult family members is if you can’t refuse the invitation for fear of hurting a loved one’s feelings, is to speak to the host about the issue and ask to be seated away from that person. Keep conversation to a minimum, and be polite.
You can leave anytime it becomes too uncomfortable for you or your family. If someone is behaving badly towards you, you don’t have to sit and take it. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to make your apologies to the host, and leave. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic exit, you can do it quietly and politely with your dignity intact.
If you feel that interactions might be unpleasant, be sure to moderate your alcohol intake, and be thoughtful about what you say. Instead of being antagonistic or confrontational (which makes you the difficult relative), be civil, be calm, and don’t take the bait.
Some people just want to get a rise or reaction from you, but if you ignore that, or simply smile and turn away, they have no leg to stand on. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument or disagreement you’re invited to. For a couple of hours, you can be the bigger person, and let disagreeable people just be who they are, and you can come out of it unscathed.
If you can, minimize time spent with people who are toxic, unpleasant, and difficult.
You are not obligated to have relationships with people who are detrimental to your mental health. You can refuse the invitation or say you’ll come drop by but not stay, or come for coffee and dessert if you don’t think you can sit through an entire meal. As an alternative you can make arrangements to see your loved ones at a different day and time to share your holiday greetings.
If your family is too difficult, surround yourself with loving friends and chosen family, and make new traditions with your partner and children that you feed good about. For most people this does not a common occurrence try to remember the holidays are a time for love and being around loving caring people. This chosen family can indeed lessen the holiday stress this time of year.
Happy holidays.
