Mindfulness in your relationship would be a wonderful thing for Thanksgiving. The same holds true for relationships. While it’s not always roses and sometimes it’s truly difficult and hard. I believe you still can find something good to focus on, something to be grateful for in your relationship every day. You only have to look for it. Some days you’ll be searching harder than others, but that’s kind of the point. Developing a habit and routine of making that daily search; a gratitude practice, if you will, can have some far reaching and positive outcomes. No-one said relationships would be easy.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. The goal of mindfulness is to wake up to the inner workings of our mental, emotional, and physical processes. Mindfulness is available to us in every moment, whether through meditations and body scans, or mindful moment practices like taking time to pause and breathe when the phone rings instead of rushing to answer it. (Source: mindful.org )

Mindfulness and gratitude go together in a beautiful way.  When you practice them both, you unlock a path to perception that you may not have previously been aware of. Taking this path allows you to live more often in a state of gratitude, even for what some may consider the smallest moments or unforeseen circumstances.

As it relates to your relationship with your partner, a practice of mindfulness and gratitude promotes positivity, happiness, tolerance, patience and an overall sense of well-being. Relationships are changeable, we have all experienced this. You and your partner both have good days and bad days, and the odds are good that your good days and your partner’s won’t always fall on the same day.  Where mindfulness comes in, is allowing you to be in the moment without unrealistic expectations.

To acknowledge that your partner is having a bad day, and instead of taking it personally, you can accept it without internalizing it, and allowing it to ruin your day as well. It also helps you to view your partner with empathy and compassion instead of either making it about you and your relationship or pushing back on them to change their outlook. Instead of, “Why are you acting this way?” your response can be, “I see you’re struggling, can I help?” This changes the dynamic of your interaction and creates a difference in your approach.

The benefits of a gratitude practice

There is always something to be grateful for, and if you look for that something, you are all but guaranteed to find it. If you’ve never consciously begun a gratitude practice, I highly recommend that you begin one. It’s not difficult, takes very little time, and the benefits are absolutely worth the small amount of effort. When you create a new habit, any habit, you are striving to rewire your brain. When you begin a gratitude practice, you are literally rewiring your brain to be happier. Who wouldn’t want to do that? With Thanksgiving just around the corner its the best time of year to begin this.

Here are a few ways to start a gratitude practice:

Start small. When you end your day, however you do it, whether it’s reading, playing games, or watching a movie with your partner, take a few moments to review what has happened to you during that day, your interactions with people and the moments you have had with your partner. Choose one, just one, that you can point to as your “best or most perfect moment” of your day. Focus on that moment with gratitude and appreciation for having the interaction or experience.

Perhaps you weren’t paying close attention, and you can’t think of any such moment.  What do you do then? Be present in the moment you are currently experiencing, and focus on where you are and how you feel in that moment. Do you have a comfortable chair, a blanket? What do you enjoy about being with your partner and sharing this moment? Focus on how you are feeling then add gratitude. How wonderful it is to have a partner to share this life with! This is your happy place think of Peter Pan,

As you practice this, your mindset will change. You will find that you appreciate more of your surroundings. Looking at the scenery around you, appreciating a sunrise or sunset, or the sounds of children laughing. If you allow them, gratitude for these small moments can bring you great joy. Imagine how your partner will feel when you tell them how grateful you are for their presence in your life. You should be telling them. As time goes on, you will find that you will begin to look at everything through a different lens, and there will be multiple “perfect moments” in your days. It may become hard to choose just one!

Share your gratitude

Speak your gratitude out loud or write it down. I have seen friends on social media post their gratitude in limited time frames like “Gratitude in November” for Thanksgiving month, or with a hashtag #100happydays where they will post their gratitude and perfect moments daily for this time period.

I also recommend that you and your partner tell each other daily what you are grateful for, and charge you to say one nice thing about each other. Take a moment when you awaken in the morning, or when you’re sharing coffee with your loved one to tell them what you are grateful for. You can start with the obvious and superficial. It needn’t feel forced or difficult.

Three things that you can always be grateful for are:
1.You woke up.
2.You have a bed/home.
3. You have a partner.

 It can be as simple as “I am grateful that the sun is shining.” or as complex as you want to make it. Complex example:  Out of all the people in the word you chose to spend your life with me I will be forever greatful.  Gratitude runs very deep when you get into a mindfulness practice. It truly is these small things that make life worth living.

Journal your gratitude
If you look for things to be grateful for, you will certainly find that there are more that you may think. The practice of paying attention, of mindfulness, of being present in the moment, can extend into all areas of your life, and since I’m focused on relationships, I’d like for you to be as well, at least at first. Write down your gratitude as it relates to your relationship with your partner. Be honest, be clear. Be specific. Nothing is too small to be recognized.

Our partners do so much for us that is thankless, and far too often their kindness and consideration are overlooked or taken for granted. To be appreciated and shown gratitude for these actions, qualities and attributes is a wonderful way to know you are loved. Tell your partner what it is that you are grateful for. Be mindful when you are together, and don’t be shy about speaking out what comes to your mind. I’d like both of you to do this for a specified period of time then share what you’ve written with one another over a glass of wine in the evening, or a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning; whenever you have the leisure time to just be together. Talk about and discuss what you’ve written and what happened in that moment to make you write down that particular item.

When you do this habitually, earnestly, and sincerely, you are sure to find that, overall, your mental and spiritual well-being will be much improved, and you may just find that your relationship with your partner has also changed for the better. When you know you are loved and appreciated, it opens up your emotions and your heart to act in even more loving ways towards your partner. Nobody enjoys being taken for granted. It is often at the root of much trouble between couples.When you both give to the other and the relationship and are both feeling loved and appreciated, it will elevate your loving connection with your partner to a whole new level. If you do this you won’t recognize your relationship in 60 days it will be reshaped into a better relationship.

If you’re someone who is highly sensitive, emotional or anxious, mindfulness is a beneficial practice for you, especially. Being present in the moment helps to ground you and help you find balance when your emotions threaten to take over. If your relationship with your partner feels like it’s on shaky ground, practicing gratitude and mindfulness is a positive step towards connecting with them in a loving way, taking the blame and heightened emotions out of your interactions.

It’s never too late to start a mindfulness practice. You can do it right this very moment, no matter where you are. Take a look around you and notice your surroundings. Close your eyes and feel your feet on the ground. Take a deep breath and let it out. Repeat. Place your right hand  and place it on your chest as you breathe, and just appreciate your breath and your heart beating. If you’re outdoors or in, engage all your senses. What can you smell, touch, hear, see or taste? Is there wind on your face, blowing through your hair? Can you feel the warmth of the Sun? Do you hear music or people talking, is there traffic noise, a train whistle?  This is mindfulness.

Make a new habit

It takes about 66 days, or about 2 months, for a new habit to become automatic. If you start your gratitude practice today, you could be starting 2023 with an attitude of gratitude.You can just be appreciating where you are in the moment without attaching emotions to it. Just simply being.

It’s so easy to do, and so immensely beneficial.The last couple of years have been very difficult for us on so many levels. How wonderful would it be if we could start off the New Year with mindfulness, peace in our hearts, and practicing gratitude for all the good things and people in our lives? We can be!

I’m challenging all my readers to begin a daily gratitude practice. I want you to write down three things you are grateful for about your life and your relationship with your partner and post them on The Couples Expert Facebook page The Couples Expert | Scottsdale AZ | Facebook with the hashtag #GratefulForYou.

You don’t have to post every day, but you’re welcome to if you’d like. Even if you don’t post, get into the habit of being mindful of all the good things that your partner brings to your life. Does he make you smile? Does she make you laugh? The seemingly small and insignificant daily happenings are what make up this crazy life we’re living. If we’re not careful, it can all go by in a blur and you never do know when the last day you’re going to be together will be. Make those moments count and practice gratitude mindfully.