Couple Intimacy: Reclaim Lost Intimacy
Are you in a long-term marriage or relationship where you feel you’ve grown apart and searching for your couple intimacy? Have you lost the feeling of having your best friend and partner in the same person? You are not alone.This situation is more common than you might think.
Mark Twain said that “familiarity breeds contempt,” but it’s not necessarily so. Couple intimacy in long-term relationships can become stuck in routines and patterns that cause them to grow apart, to lose their emotional connection, and along with that loss of connection, their feelings of intimacy, both emotional and physical, can suffer. This loss can also be the unintended result of illness, trauma, fears around body image and aging, or other major life events.The good news is that it doesn’t have to be a permanent state of being. You have the power within you, both of you, to regain your couple intimacy with emotional connection and to reclaim that beautiful intimate relationship that was once a driving force in your relationship.
Why it’s crucial to your relationship success
A relationship is a living, breathing thing. It’s more than a contract between two people, it’s an entity of its own that needs to be nurtured and fed both emotionally, spiritually and physically. If you do not feed that relationship, it will die from neglect. It may be a benign neglect, but you will risk losing it just the same.
You may say that you feel comfortable in your current situation. Perhaps couple intimacy has been difficult for you and you feel okay without that aspect of your life being addressed. If you truly look within and are honest with yourself, I believe you’ll find that you really are missing something. If your partner is being honest, they probably are too. The good news about that is that both of you will be starting from the same place and have that in common.
While you certainly can continue as you have been in your relationship, it’s only natural that you would want more. After all, one of the main reasons we partner up in life is to have physical closeness, intimacy and an active sexual relationship. There’s not a more lonely feeling in the world, I think, than having a partner next to you, yet feeling totally isolated and alone. It’s emotionally hard on you to know that you and your partner are missing something important in your relationship; knowing you’ve somehow lost your connection, yet not knowing how to fix it. It can feel like a huge chasm between you that seems impossible to cross.
Emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy
There’s no one with whom we are more emotionally intimate than our partners.That is what couple intimacy is all about. At least we should be intimate if thats not the case you will need to work on this. You see each other in every stage of life and in just about every emotional state. Together you experience going through illness, childbirth, joy, pain, loss and grief, all the ups and downs of everyday life. Some couples read each other like a book, know each other’s unspoken thoughts and finish each other’s sentences. When you lose the ability to do that together, whatever the reason, it can feel like you’ve lost your only friend. It’s a kind of bereavement that is a deep wound. Who can you confide in? Who is going to understand? Your partner is the person you need for that deep emotional connection. You will need to work to restore this.
The loss of physical intimacy can be just as difficult, even more so if you know your partner is satisfying their sexual needs without you, and you have those longings too, but are unable to connect. There may be assumptions on both of your parts about how the other is feeling. This can lead to mistaken conclusions, resentment and anger, bitterness and grief. There may be affairs or infidelity involved. Even if there’s not, the result is the same. You are not pursuing an active and passionate sexual relationship with your partner, and you’re missing out on that very important part of your relationship.
How to begin to get it back
Do some soul searching and be totally and brutally honest with yourself. Own up to your part in what’s wrong with your relationship. What is it you have done, or are you doing today that is keeping you from connecting with your partner? If you cannot figure it out, get some help. Talk to a therapist individually or as a couple to gain this crucial insight.
Then, lay your cards on the table for your partner. Tell them what you feel, what you are missing, and what you hope you can repair, and let them know that you are willing to dig deep, to do whatever it takes to restore your lost connection. Both of you must be willing to fully commit to doing the work needed to fix what’s gone wrong. In the end the couple intimacy can be your biggest asset of your relationship.
Reach out Be Brave
You are risking further emotional pain by reaching out, but be brave. There is a very good chance that your partner doesn’t want to throw away what’s left of your relationship either. You must go into this conversation with the understanding that you are risking rejection, and yet you have to be willing to put it all out there. This shows your level of commitment to your relationship and your willingness and desire to fix it.
This is bound to be an emotional conversation. Do your best to come from a place of love and let your partner know that you want to restore your emotional and physical connection, and hope that they do as well. There are many ways to show love, and sexuality is an important aspect of loving your partner fully and completely. Let your partner know how much you miss that expression of your love for each other and talk about ways that you can get back to doing this again.
Get Naked
When I say this I mean it both figuratively and literally. In order to reconnect emotionally and physically with your partner, you have to bare it all. Your feelings, your heart, and your body. It’s not enough simply to talk about connecting. You must do it. You must lay yourself bare, and become completely vulnerable. This isn’t a weakness, on the contrary. To allow yourself to be vulnerable with the one you love takes strength and depth of character.
When you allow your partner to see you stripped down, emotionally and physically vulnerable without pretense, without guile and with a pure intention in your heart, you are inviting them to do the same. You are allowing your partner to see you in all your beautiful imperfections, and conveying to them that they are safe to show you theirs.
Aging isn’t pretty, and we all know that sexuality changes as we age. That doesn’t mean it has to be an end to it. In fact, in your middle age and onward can be the most sexually active time of your relationship. Think about it. There are no more pregnancy precautions, no worries about kids barging in, you can be spontaneous, you can plan and schedule time together, whatever you want to do is yours to decide. Learn how to be playful with one another. Learn each other’s bodies again, each other’s preferences. Take some chances and maybe try things in the bedroom that you never have before, and always wondered about. We all have ideas and imagination. Reconnecting with your partner is a wonderful way to explore these ideas.
Communication
As with all aspects of your relationship, communication is the basis for all good things. You have to feel free to talk about anything. Even difficult topics, even uncomfortable things. Support each other and talk about what you feel and what you want. Intimacy means freedom to be yourself and to express your feelings without reservation. There’s no judgment or reproach. There is simply a conversation that needs to happen. It needs to be an ongoing dialogue from today until forever.
If you can’t express what you want and need from your partner, who can you talk to about these things? If you’re struggling to be understood, the services of a couples counselor may help you to open up communication again. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
If you don’t think your partner is going to be receptive to you or welcome a return to intimacy, you can write a letter and leave it for them or read it to them. Don’t push them to respond right away. Simply express your wants and needs and your desire to resume intimacy with your partner and leave the ball in their court. They may be struggling with the same issues that you are and could be having trouble expressing it. Sharing your feelings will get the ball rolling and give them something to think about and respond to. Start with a loving touch, a hug, a kiss, then let your partner feel free to think before responding.
You must take the first step if you ever hope to rekindle intimacy in your relationship. Life is far too short to wait around. None of us knows how much of life there still is for us. Today is what matters. You make it count. Be brave and loving, and good luck to you. 
