Relationship needs seem to change frequently in most relationships. While standing in line for coffee one day, I overheard two women discussing their relationships. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but since relationships are my area of expertise, I admit, I did listen in when the first woman said something about her spouse being a different person than he was when they first got married. The gist of her complaint was that after 15 years of marriage her husband was not the “same man” she married anymore. She wondered aloud if it was due to a mid-life crisis, or whether he had been trying to give her a good impression when they were dating and newly in love, and now had simply given up trying to impress her and maybe was finally showing his true colors.
The second woman, who sounded a little older and wiser from my position in front of them in line, replied with some advice that I agreed with and might have given if the woman were in a therapy session with me. I decided I would address this issue, share her advice, and give some insights of my own here.
What the woman said was, “Your husband isn’t the same man, and you’re not the same woman. After 15 years off marriage, you’ve both grown and changed. If you don’t feel like you’re as close as you used to be, you can fix that. You need to figure out how to meet the new man he is and introduce him to the woman you are today, so that you can know how to meet each other’s current needs instead of wishing you were still the people of the past.”
The funny thing about long-term relationships is, you think you know each other completely, but that’s not always the case. Each phase of life comes with changing needs and wants. Life circumstances change as well. Job changes, births, deaths, illness, relocation, career choices; all of these things affect us both as a couple and individually. As we mature, our needs change. As we grow and get more comfortable in our own skin, we become less insecure and needy for validation from our partners. We may feel like we’re changing and they’re the same, but the truth is, they probably have changed as well and you’re just not in touch with the newest version of them. Conversely, if you don’t feel like your needs are being met in your relationship today, it could be that you’ve grown and evolved and your partner may not be aware of what you need anymore, either.
This is why communication is crucial, shared experiences are important, and a sincere desire to meet your partner’s needs in the relationship is paramount. The assumptions you make about your partner without consulting them can ultimately do more harm than good. It’s far better to assume you don’t know this person anymore and make it your mission to get to know them in a new and fresh way than to live with a stranger while making all the wrong assumptions.
If you are growing and evolving individually, in the context of your relationship you may not be evolving together at the same rate or place. If you wake up one day and find that you and your partner are living separate lives under the same roof, or that your relationship has devolved to polite roommate status, without the same emotional and passionate connection that once smoldered between you, don’t despair, all is not lost! With some concerted effort and desire, you can find your way back to each other, and rekindle your spark.
Talk it out. Find out what it is that your partner feels is different. Be sincere in your efforts to draw them out and get them to be candid and honest with you. This isn’t about blaming or picking a fight, it’s about finding out what you need to do to meet your partner’s needs at this time and stage in your relationship. Let your partner know that you’ve realized that there is a disconnect, and that all you want to do is reconnect and get together on the best way to move forward together.
What might this look like? It might mean seeing a counselor as a couple, or it could be simply making some basic changes to your interactions together; spending more time together doing shared activities, for example. You might schedule a regular date night. Go together and make some new shared memories, attend some events, take a trip together. Connect in a new way. Spend more time talking about what you feel is missing without blame or bickering. Let your partner know that your deepest wish is to heal the rift between you and get closer and more connected.Let them know that you still choose them to live this life with, and will continue to do so as time goes on.
Sexuality might be an issue. It might mean changes to your sexual interactions. You may need to focus on rebuilding your physical connection as well as your emotional one. No pressure. Simply start where you are and reach out to your partner letting them know that your deepest desire is to meet them where they are, and for them to do the same with you. Work on communicating to one another in a loving way that shows you each want the best for one another and you’re willing to put in the effort to make that happen. 
Sometimes, when couples cannot connect emotionally, they can only connect physically. This kind of connection is more about meeting physical and sexual needs than it is a way to heal the emotions. If you work on your emotional connection, sexual connection can happen more organically and be ultimately more satisfying for both of you.
Some things never change. No matter the distance you might feel is between you now, there are some constants in your lives together that will always remain. You and your partner have a deep and vast shared history. All of the beautiful times you’ve shared and memories you’ve made exist only between the two of you. This is a wonderful foundation for getting close again.
If you can remember why you fell in love in the first place, you can have a starting point for identifying the changes that have happened since. Your partner is a different version of the person you fell in love with in the beginning. Remember why you fell, and realize that you can fall again, and again.
The beautiful thing about monogamy and long-term relationships is that you get to choose your partner afresh in every phase and time of life. The intangible and changeable things like beauty, spirit, passion and kindness only deepen and flourish over time with love and care from a committed partner. In a long-term relationship you get to know and love your partner, to choose your partner over and over again and they get to choose you as well. To me, this is such a gift and opportunity to live our best lives with each other, no matter how long we’ve been together.
