The interpersonal relationship with couples are currently being impacted by the Ukrainian crisis. The population of Ukrainians and their descendents living in the United States is second only to Canada with over a million people according to U.S. Census estimates. While the majority of Americans support the Ukrainian efforts to repel the heinous Russian invasion, those who have a personal connection to Ukraine or loved ones in harm’s way are suffering in a uniquely painful way with untold worry and anxiety.
If you are the partner or spouse of someone of Ukrainian descent, you may feel unsure about how to help and keep your interpersonal relationship healthy. If your partner has loved ones in the conflict either as innocent civilians, resistance fighters or official Army, there are ways that you can support them through this difficult time. Now, more than ever, they need you to have their back, and be their safe place in the midst of all the turmoil. Of course you’re worried too, so you want to do everything you can to help. Lots of hugs right now might be exactly what the doctor ordered which would keep your interpersonal relationship strong and your emotional bond even stronger.
Put yourself in their shoes –
Empathize with your partner by imagining yourself in the same situation. What if it were your partner that was in harm’s way? If it were your parent, or cousin, or brother, how would you feel? It’s important that you realize that there is no way they could be overreacting, and that their emotional response is what appropriate to the level of conflict that is happening in Ukriane right now. Do your best to let your partner express themselves freely. Share in your partner’s anguish and let them know that it’s okay to vent and feel emotional about the situation. Validate their response and take them seriously. Don’t discount or minimize their feelings. ln this way your interpersonal relationship will maintain a closeness to help you two overcome the fear of this trauma.
Listening with your whole heart –
Listen to your partner without responding with advice or speeches. This is not a situation that you can explain away or even advise on. You need to simply be there for your partner, quietly loving and supporting them. Hear them out, let them vent, then ask them to tell you what they need most. Your priority should be their needs at this moment in time, and listening to them is something they need you to do. Set aside what you’re doing, and give them the benefit of your full and undivided attention, look them in the eyes and show them you care. Your partner is the most important thing that needs your attention in this moment.
Be a filter for information –
Make sure that you are finding reputable reports and credible news sources to update you on the situation in Ukraine. Ask your partner if they want you to share articles etc that you may come across. Some may want it all and others may be too overwhelmed by it all. One idea may be to minimize the flow of news stories, photos, social media posts and articles. If that is what they want. It’s easy to become obsessed with consuming every small detail regarding the subject, and that is certainly not a healthy place to be. You can lose perspective when you become immersed in all the chatter. You can quickly become emotionally overwhelmed and overwrought by trying to take in all the gory details. I’m not saying you should stick your head in the sand or live in denial, but for your partner’s sake, filter out the noise and help your partner to make sense of it all.
Facilitate communication –
If you have phone numbers and email addresses for loved ones in Ukriane, do your best to send and receive messages via text or social media. Help your partner stay in touch with their loved ones if at all possible. You can set up a specific check -in time, or ask them to randomly text you just to let you know they’re safe and if they’ve had to flee. Your partner will appreciate your help in keeping in touch with their loved ones.
Help where you see a need –
This should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway.You should also pitch in on more of the day-to-day running of the household and chores, helping with the childrens’ homework, etc. If your partner needs some downtime, take over their regular chores around the home. Cook some extra meals, do some laundry, mow the lawn There are always things that need to be done, and if you see that your partner is struggling; if they’re coming home from work exhausted from worry, let them take some time to rest. Encourage them to go for a walk or spend some time relaxing. Give them options to do some self-care and replenish their energy reserves. This is a tough time for your partner, as well as your entire family, and you can help ease those burdens for them. If you can’t manage with your schedule to do these things, perhaps you can hire some extra help temporarily to give your partner a break.
Contribute to the Ukrainian war effort –
Talk with your partner and examine your options for contributing to the Ukraine. There are many charities and relief efforts being organized internationally and in the U.S. If there is a way that you can contribute to the war effort or get funds directly to loved ones who need help, explore those options. Doing something is always better than doing nothing, and it feels good to help others in times of uncertainty. Every little bit helps, so you don’t have be wealthy or contribute huge amounts of money to do some good. Anything you can contribute will be helpful and will make your partner feel that they are doing something useful for their loved ones. Discuss both the route you plan to donate through and the amount. It’s important that you are both on the same page when it comes to a financial decision during this tumultuous time. Resist the urge to go overboard. Remember, it’s not about a huge gesture, especially if it will cause financial hardship to your family, it’s about doing something tangible to contribute to help Ukraine, and your partner’s loved ones.
Aside from the practical and concrete things you can do to help your partner who has loved ones in Ukraine, the emotional and moral support that you can provide is invaluable. If you and your partner share a religious practice, it may be helpful for you to focus on that. The wisdom and guidance from spiritual leaders, as well as time spent in prayer and study can be immensely helpful towards contributing to peace of mind, and quieting the spirit.
Whatever your partner needs, whether it’s someone to pray and study with, or someone to hold their hand and stand by them in church or temple, you can be that person. Let your partner know that you are there for them, whatever they need, and no matter how things go in Ukriane, you will do your best to stand with and support them through this. In this way your interpersonal relationship will be a strength to get you both through these trying times.
