RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: PREMARITAL COUNSELING, WHO NEEDS IT?

Without hesitation, I highly recommend premarital counseling to all couples considering marriage. In fact, not only do I strongly encourage it, I think premarital counseling is so important, it should be a legal requirement. Before a couple vows in front of family and friends to spend the rest of their lives together, it only makes good sense to be sure serious thought has gone into such a serious decision.

In Arizona, where I reside and have my counseling practice, the State Legislature has created a type of marriage that does require premarital counseling called “covenant marriage.”  It doesn’t replace the traditional marriage types already available, but instead offers an additional option to couples wanting a more binding arrangement.  One of the required steps is for the couple to sign a written statement declaring they have “received premarital counseling on the nature, purpose and responsibilities of marriage.” They must also declare themselves committed to preserving their marriage, including the utilization of marital counseling if they experience difficulties in the future.

While a covenant marriage is obviously not the norm in our country, the basic premise of making marriage more difficult to get into, as well as out of, deserves consideration.  With such high divorce rates, especially in relationships that are not first marriages, premarital counseling is essential to avoid repeating past mistakes.  People are often afraid to look at and discuss potential problem areas, and this is where premarital counseling is invaluable.  An experienced therapist can help bring out the questions people are afraid to ask, and help them understand the realities of married life.

One approach to premarital counseling involves the use of online assessment tools, such as Prepare/Enrich, a survey couples take together to help them identify the unique strengths and potential growth areas of their relationship. It is a sophisticated instrument that must be interpreted by a trained counselor.  

Topics a therapist might address include:

1. Clean communication skills.  Are you and your partner talking/listening in the same language?  People feel love communicated in different ways.  As described by Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, some of us experience love by physical touch, others by receiving gifts or spending quality time with their partners. Still others feel loved with words of affirmation or acts of service.  It’s crucial to discover what your significant other responds to; to learn what rings your partner’s bell. 
2. Roles and expectations.  Have you discussed your finances, both income and debts?  Divided up the household chores?  Do you plan to have children and, if so, agreed on parenting styles?  What about your personal goals, habits?  Where will you go for vacations?
3. Resolving conflict.  Identifying triggers and understanding the emotional makeup of both you and your partner are important factors in conflict resolution.  Do you withdraw or pursue in an argument?  Learning to openly talk about issues and being honest about your opinions can be tough.
4. Family of origin influences.  How involved will the extended family be in your lives, and how much influence will they have?   Are you or your partner from a divorced or dysfunctional family?  Do you have different religious backgrounds?  
5. Health issues.  Are you and your partner fully informed of each other’s medical (physical and mental) conditions?  Will anything require lifestyle compromise or caregiving?  Have you discussed Living Wills or end of life decisions?  

Premarital counseling is a chance for couples to dig up any potential pitfalls that could hinder their marriage from lasting a lifetime. A skilled marriage counselor can give you an outside perspective on your relationship, and guidance on how to make your relationship that one that beats the odds.

We don’t know what we don’t know so Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW, The Couples Expert, has produced a 12 week online course. Before You Tie The Knot – 12 Essential conversations to have before you get married. If you’re getting married or know someone who is, please consider this as a shower or wedding gift. https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/12-conversations/