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Hi and welcome to episode 153 of The Couples Expert with your host The Couples Expert Stuart Fensterheim. Stuart brings you a topic that he’s had come up lately in his counseling practice: The idea that your sex life is not a porno movie. Are your expectations about sex with your partner realistic or do you expect your sex life to be like a porno movie?

Listen as Stuart discusses sexuality and expectations on today’s Couples Expert podcast.

Even the Couples Expert has expectations about sexuality that may not be realistic. Sex is affected by all sorts of outside circumstances: aging, our physical limitations and our expectations can be completely different from what normal healthy sexuality is in a long term relationship.

What you’ll learn from today’s podcast:

  • The sex industry is huge, you can find anything you want to see 3:08
  • Sex addiction is rampant and rivals any hard drug 4:00
  • How is porn affecting your relationship? 5:14
  • The gender divide in how porn is viewed 7:29
  • We have to realize it’s not always fireworks and mind blowing sex 11:40
  • Porn actors are not real people! 15:00 
  • Porn sex vs. Real sex on YouTube link below 16:50

It’s great if you want to watch porn together and talk about it. Note the things that excite you and things you want to try. It’s all about what you both want. You both get to choose what the rules are. If your partner doesn’t feel comfortable trying something then you need to respect that.

Whatever your choices are, you both have to agree. IF your partner is into porn and you’re not comfortable with that you need to discuss it. If you can be open-minded about having a fantasy life and role playing or trying new things you just might broaden your horizons and spice up your intimate life. There’s nothing wrong with you and your partner experiencing new things sexually and being adventurous, just make sure that you both are okay with it.

Avoid being secretive or indulging in sex acts or porn fantasies that your partner doesn’t participate or is not aware of. This is venturing into infidelity and betrayal. Both of you have to be open and honest about what you’re doing sexually.

Sex addiction is no joke. If it’s an issue get help for the addiction before you try to save your relationship. See the resources on our website https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/resources/

The point is to have adventures, being open and excited to share new things and explore your sexuality together, keeping your emotional connection strong.

Thank you for spending part of your day with The Couples Experts. We hope you enjoyed the show and take away something meaningful to your relationship. Until next time stay connected!

The Couples Expert Podcast is sponsored by: Stuart’s Daily Notes: Subscribe and change your relationship in 5 minutes a day with a video sent to your email inbox. The response has been overwhelmingly positive. Stuart’s Daily Notes can help you too!  https://www.thecouplesexpertscottsdale.com/stuart-daily-notes/

Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-couples-expert/id951362894?mt=2

Email: Stuart would love to hear from you. If you have a comment, review, or suggestion for a topic Stuart can tackle in the future, please email him at podcast@thecouplesexperts.com

REAL SEX VS. PORN SEX:

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Next Week on The Couples Expert Podcast

Join us next week for Arguing 101 – We all argue, that doesn’t mean that we’re not happy or in love. Stuart will be talking about what triggers us and how to fight for your relationship not against your partner.

Explore Additional Points

You can find everything on the Internet. Porn is everywhere! It seems like a rite of passage for most young men especially to be introduced to all the possible sex acts out there online. How does that relate to a real life relationship? Does having all this porn knowledge and exposure make for better sex with your real life partner?

Porn does what it’s designed to do. It brings out erotic feelings and sexual excitement. It can also give you great ideas about sexual positions or techniques that you want to try with your partner. Men are very visual when it comes to their sexuality and a high percentage of men seem to be interested or stimulated by porn more than women are. Not to say that women are not, many women like it just as much and couples can watch porn together to enhance their experience for better sex.

There are some serious downsides to viewing a lot of porn and this article is not the place to discuss those. Watching too much porn can be like a drug and people can become addicted to it. It can become a dark obsession if you don’t keep it in perspective. I do want to talk about how watching porn changes our expectations of what our sex life will be like, and can set us up for disappointment if we think our sexual experiences will be like those films. Not everyone will have a partner wanting and craving sex all the time.  Porn watching does not mean better sex. 

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My favorite part of doing these podcasts is participating in the conversations they provoke. Each week I present one question, and this week, here is our focus: Question: What is an area in your life that has been impacted by your relationship with your partner?

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