Do you fight about seemingly trivial issues and escalate them into WWIII? If this is your M.O. as a couple what does it mean for the future of your relationship? All couples fight, that’s just the way it is. Relationship conflicts are a given, but it’s what happens when you’re triggered and what you do and say during and after the fight that makes the difference to the strength and longevity of your relationship.

One of the first things to learn is where the triggers are coming from. If your partner leaves their dirty dishes on the counter and you freak out and a big argument ensues, chances are the fight is not about the dirty dishes. The triggers that we have usually stem from earlier in life; past relationships or even childhood trauma. A certain look, tone of voice or volume can trigger strong emotions in us and have us feeling defensive, insecure or frightened. We then sometimes act out during relationship conflicts, and escalate the situation beyond the subject at hand. When we don’t understand why these strong emotions are triggered we are apt to be carried away by them and do and say things we’ll certainly regret later.  

When you partner does and says things that trigger you the deeper meaning is that you feel that your partner doesn’t care about you or how you feel. Intellectually you know that’s not true, but emotion says “If he/she loved me, he/she wouldn’t leave the dirty dishes on the counter.”  What needs to happen next is for the two of you to deescalate the emotions and sit down together and resolve the issue. If it’s not possible at the moment because one or both of you is too upset; then a time out is in order.

There’s a step by step approach to doing an adult time out. I teach this method to my couples in counseling. Here’s a link to a PDF document for your reference:  

[Time Outs – PDF]

Relationship conflicts can actually strengthen your marriage if you handle them properly. The end result of the discussion should be a loving moment where you both acknowledge the issue and are ready to move ahead with your day. When you can resolve relationship conflicts in a loving way, you are strengthening your relationship and moving forward with a deeper understanding of the triggers you both have and how to handle the situations when you do become triggered.

So fighting in and of itself is not a bad thing, but if and when you do have relationship conflicts, being mindful of your tone, words and actions in the midst of them and afterwards can make your relationship closer and more connected. Repair is the key to that strength. Kiss and make up, have make- up sex. Reinforce your bond of connection and move forward together knowing that you’re fighting for your relationship to thrive.

Having an emotionally vulnerable relationship means that you both are free to express yourselves without fear of judgment or rejection. You can tell your partner that you’re mad about something, that you feel (fill in the blank) and receive the same loving kindness and compassion from your partner that you would in any other conversation. You are each other’s safe place to show your vulnerability to one another. Allowing each other the freedom to feel what you feel and express it authentically is the key to unlocking the benefits of relationship conflicts. When you realize that what you’re fighting for is your relationship and your survival as a couple, the conflicts take on a different meaning and the emotions become meaningful and interactions more loving than ever before.

Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW helps couples to overcome the disconnection in their relationships As an author, blogger and podcaster, Stuart has helped couples around the world to experience a unique relationship in which they can feel special and important, confident in knowing they are loved deeply and that their presence matters.

His weekend workshop, Two Days: Seven Conversations has become a popular venue for many to set off on their journey of connectedness. The Couples Expert Podcast consists of weekly provocative conversations offering the perspectives and insight of experts from a variety of relationship related fields. Stuart also offers daily relationship video tips on The Couples Expert YouTube channel and by subscription in Stuart’s Daily Notes. Stuart is happily married and a devoted father of 2 daughters. He lives and works in Scottsdale, Arizona.