RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: GHOSTS IN SUITCASES

Do you ever feel like you’re in an endless loop of relationship issues? Have you chosen Mr. Right only to find that he’s just like Mr. Wrong that you broke up with two years ago? Do all of your past relationships end the same way? Is the woman you thought would be “the One”; the woman you thought would be different not so different?  Your troubled relationship might be caused less by Fate and circumstances, and more by the ghosts of past relationships. The baggage that you have brought with you from every break up that you’ve had in your adult life holds those ghosts and they appear when the going gets tough in your relationship.  

Many of our issues surrounding interaction with others can also stem from our family of origin. From the people in our lives that were our primary caregivers; the ones who modeled emotional relationships for us when we were children. This includes not only your parents, grandparents or other caretakers. Relationships with other children; siblings, cousins and peers can also shape our adult interactions. If you had a troubled relationship with your caretaker or peers, those feelings, those triggers, can stay with you; locked away until a situation arises that evokes those feelings from the past.  Unless you address them, these triggers can remain throughout your adult life, and can cause you to create a negative pattern that endlessly repeats.

These negative patterns continue to create a troubled relationship where you get triggered and respond the same way no matter the partner or person that you’re with. All of your relationships break apart the same way for basically the same reasons; you’re still carrying that baggage with you. You may feel that you’re simply unlucky, or have bad judgment when it comes to love. The truth is, it’s not about luck.

The good news is that your troubled relationship history does not have to repeat itself. Once you become aware of this pattern of triggers and responses, you can learn how to work out the lessons of the past that you’ve been reacting to and move forward in a different way.

This requires some serious dedication on your part, some help from your partner,  and often from a counselor. You can do the autopsy and analysis of your troubled relationship past, and find out where these triggers stem from. The counselor can help you to look at your family relationships and other past connections that have contributed to the current situation. The repeating pattern can be broken at this time, and you create a new way of relating to your partner that empowers you to be in control of your emotional responses in a way you never have before. It’s a shift in perception. It’s a way of breaking the cycle of your troubled relationship and removing those triggers that have kept you hurting.

Once you learn the concept of emotional connection and attachment needs, how important they are, and how you and your partner can meet each other’s needs, you are on your way. No more troubled relationship breakups, no more endless loops of fighting. No more escalating of the issues. You and your partner will know how to diffuse those issues, how to be vulnerable and authentic with your emotions and life will improve for you both.

The ghosts of the past, that baggage you’ve been carrying, can be safely stored away, and the past can be laid to rest while you and your partner build a lasting future together.